Smoking FAQ, Part 1

Several of my work buddies have quit smoking recently, which means I need to recruit new smokers to join me for smoke breaks. To help with this, here is the first in possibly a series of pro-smoking pieces. (This is adapted from The Easy Way to Start Smoking.)

Is smoking cool?
Taking even the most objective and detached view of this issue, it's hard to ignore the fact that the vast majority of people who hold the view that smoking is not cool are themselves not cool, and that the people who think it is cool are cool.
What is secondhand smoking?
Secondhand smoking is the best way to fill your lungs without spending $4.50 a day for the pleasure. Nowadays, secondhand smoke is big news and suddenly seems to affect everyone. This is despite the fact that smokers themselves have known about the benefits of secondhand smoking for years. Why do you think we like to huddle together, if not to smoke our own cigs and a little of everyone else's, too?
Is secondhand smoking cool?
The honest response is no. Simply standing next to smokers won't help freeloaders in this respect.
Why do smokers get more colds?
Remember that colds are viral infections, passed from person to person. Catching a cold is simply a side effect of leading an active, sociable life full of friends, lovers, and laughter. Non-smokers might want to ask themselves why it is they catch so few colds. Why are they so unpopular? What is wrong with them?
Where have I hidden your cigs?
That's not funny.

Shiny New Website

So, I have a new domain name and host which lets me run PHP and ColdFusion. Woohoo! I'm new to the world of both PHP and WordPress (which is powering this blog), so this is still pretty rough. Hopefully I'll add more cool features and customize the design before too long.

Most of my old stuff (anything below this post) has been migrated from Blogger. I've updated a few posts in the process, and now that I'm able to run ColdFusion code I've added demos for some of my older stuff, including Leet Translator, REMatch, and both the ColdFusion and JavaScript implementations of parseUri. Check 'em out.

Hot Naked Sushi Action

Someone was telling me yesterday about how ancient and wonderful an art form nyotaimori (aka naked sushi) is. This may or may not exactly ( be true, but it did get me looking online for more information. The practice has actually been outlawed in China (, but then the Chinese don’t allow snoring in the military or cooking children’s arms ( either. Communists.

Fortunately for the sophisticated misogynist, there are a few establishments Stateside that offer nyotaimori, most famously Gary Arabia’s ( Global Cuisine ( in LA.

I spent a few minutes searching for local spots, and according to, CafĂ© Japone ( in Dupont Circle does naked sushi Saturday nights. Hmm… why haven’t I heard about this before? I’m skeptical. If it is true, however, I may have to pay them a visit, being a fan of both sushi and naked women.

Thinking…I'm sure they have rules about not talking to the models, but really, where would a conversation with someone you were eating off go?

Me: So… Sushi… you a big sushi person?
Table: Well, not really.
Me: Ah. Well. Being a table, then. How's that working out for you?
Table: Not too bad. Pays the rent. I, uh, go home smelling like fish though.
Me: Oh.

…It could go on like that for a very long, awkward time.

Although I haven’t tried eating off a naked woman yet, I have on many occasions ea…… [Post interrupted by Poor Taste Alert®]

World RPS Society

Check it: Worldwide Governing Body of the Sport of Rock Paper Scissors (

World RPS Society - Lead on with your rock paper and scissors

This has to be one of the most unintentionally funny sites ever. Check out, for example, their 2002 dedication to the Official Year of the Rock (in particular, check out the last two photo captions within the article).

At first glance, the rules of Rock Paper Scissors seem simple. As you look deeper, however, they’re still pretty simple. Let’s not kid ourselves.

  • Rock smashes scissors (rock wins)
  • Scissors cut paper (scissors win)
  • Paper covers rock (paper wins)
  • Flounder slaps penguin (flounder wins … for expert use only)

…Or so I thought. Here is the 3-page How to Play – Quick Start, and the 7-page must read for all aspiring RPS gurus: Advanced RPS tactics.

Check out this excerpt from the World RPS Society, showing just how high-demand of a sport Rock Paper Scissors can really be:

… In other events, Chad Leatherstep (Co-Chair Disciplinary Committee) in his address delivered a landmark speech pledging a crackdown on performance enhancing drugs in professional level play. “It is the worst kept secret that the dressing rooms at many tournaments have become literal ‘hotboxes’ of abuse. We will be targeting specific suspicious players for random drug testing. They should be easy to spot as they tend to spend more time hanging around the vending machine and concession stands than the drug-free players.”

Imagine that. Your friendly, local Rock Paper Scissors tournament, unbeknowest to you, might have become a literal “hotbox” of performance-enhancing drug abuse!

It makes sense in a way, I guess … these people have to be on something potent to be at an RPS tournament in the first place.

Related stuff:

Your rock, Your paper, Your scissors, Will bring us victory

And here’s some stirring RPS haiku gleaned from the RPS Society’s Bullboard:

You delayed your prime
Won’t synchronize your rhythm
That’s just dirty play

Always throw paper.
How can you lose with paper?
Forget scissors, man.

Paper is the throw
For the narcissistic fool
The masturbator

Few are perfect forms
The rock however is one
Likewise breasts are too