Hot Naked Sushi Action

Someone was telling me yesterday about how ancient and wonderful an art form nyotaimori (aka naked sushi) is. This may or may not exactly ( be true, but it did get me looking online for more information. The practice has actually been outlawed in China (, but then the Chinese don’t allow snoring in the military or cooking children’s arms ( either. Communists.

Fortunately for the sophisticated misogynist, there are a few establishments Stateside that offer nyotaimori, most famously Gary Arabia’s ( Global Cuisine ( in LA.

I spent a few minutes searching for local spots, and according to, CafĂ© Japone ( in Dupont Circle does naked sushi Saturday nights. Hmm… why haven’t I heard about this before? I’m skeptical. If it is true, however, I may have to pay them a visit, being a fan of both sushi and naked women.

Thinking…I'm sure they have rules about not talking to the models, but really, where would a conversation with someone you were eating off go?

Me: So… Sushi… you a big sushi person?
Table: Well, not really.
Me: Ah. Well. Being a table, then. How's that working out for you?
Table: Not too bad. Pays the rent. I, uh, go home smelling like fish though.
Me: Oh.

…It could go on like that for a very long, awkward time.

Although I haven’t tried eating off a naked woman yet, I have on many occasions ea…… [Post interrupted by Poor Taste Alert®]

World RPS Society

Check it: Worldwide Governing Body of the Sport of Rock Paper Scissors (

World RPS Society - Lead on with your rock paper and scissors

This has to be one of the most unintentionally funny sites ever. Check out, for example, their 2002 dedication to the Official Year of the Rock (in particular, check out the last two photo captions within the article).

At first glance, the rules of Rock Paper Scissors seem simple. As you look deeper, however, they’re still pretty simple. Let’s not kid ourselves.

  • Rock smashes scissors (rock wins)
  • Scissors cut paper (scissors win)
  • Paper covers rock (paper wins)
  • Flounder slaps penguin (flounder wins … for expert use only)

…Or so I thought. Here is the 3-page How to Play – Quick Start, and the 7-page must read for all aspiring RPS gurus: Advanced RPS tactics.

Check out this excerpt from the World RPS Society, showing just how high-demand of a sport Rock Paper Scissors can really be:

… In other events, Chad Leatherstep (Co-Chair Disciplinary Committee) in his address delivered a landmark speech pledging a crackdown on performance enhancing drugs in professional level play. “It is the worst kept secret that the dressing rooms at many tournaments have become literal ‘hotboxes’ of abuse. We will be targeting specific suspicious players for random drug testing. They should be easy to spot as they tend to spend more time hanging around the vending machine and concession stands than the drug-free players.”

Imagine that. Your friendly, local Rock Paper Scissors tournament, unbeknowest to you, might have become a literal “hotbox” of performance-enhancing drug abuse!

It makes sense in a way, I guess … these people have to be on something potent to be at an RPS tournament in the first place.

Related stuff:

Your rock, Your paper, Your scissors, Will bring us victory

And here’s some stirring RPS haiku gleaned from the RPS Society’s Bullboard:

You delayed your prime
Won’t synchronize your rhythm
That’s just dirty play

Always throw paper.
How can you lose with paper?
Forget scissors, man.

Paper is the throw
For the narcissistic fool
The masturbator

Few are perfect forms
The rock however is one
Likewise breasts are too